What Would Joan Do?

Aahh, Joan Holloway, she of the cutting remarks, iron clad girdle, and extra strength poise.

She has does have her faults. Bitter racism and spinsterhood aside, we could all stand to learn a few things from Joanie, sartorially speaking.



1. Prints are not sophisticated or sexy. Keep this in mind when dressing for men and when projecting an image designed to intimidate other women. Polka dots are acceptable on rare occasions.

Please note, they must be black, navy, and white only. The smaller the dot, the more elegant the dress. Large dots are vulgar on women over age 25. And never red! Speaking of red:

2. Know your color palette, and stick with it. Joan favors brights and jewel tones, as they work with her fair skin and set off her gorgeous hair. Joan is also not afraid to be the cliched red head in green. Behold:


Clearly there's a reason for the cliche, people.

3. Signature jewelry is a must to finish your look. Joan prefers a necklace, as it draws attention to both the bosom and the face. She often wears the gold pendant seen above. It works with many of her dresses, particularly the boat necks that she is so fond of.



4. Nighttime? Black satin, flawless makeup. Why did you even have to ask? God, she just makes it look so easy, even after her lover has had a heart attack.

5. FOUNDATION UNDERGARMENTS. Confidence to shimmy around the office can be yours. Just zip over to your local department store and the boys will be saluting your well- rounded yet firm derriere. And buying you lunch.

Joan hits it out of the park because she knows what works and she sticks with it. If she follows a trend, you best believe that trend is going to fit into her established color scheme and silhouette. And it better flatter the best parts of her body, her face and her curvy midsection.

This simple fashion manifesto frees her up to continue mincing and shimmying about the office, kicking ass and taking names on a daily basis. Who wouldn't want to do this with such ease?

Next time I'm at the mall, contemplating some murky colored, baggy, trendy item, I'll put it back. Joan would not approve.

Super Stunna Shades

I think it was on the second season of The O.C. that Seth created a comic book inspired by his and his friend's lives. They all had some super power or another that was linked to a certain accessory- I believe Ryan's was attached to his leather cuff bracelet? Perhaps it was to his wife beater. Marisa's (RIP) super powers were linked to her designer bag, and that's all I can remember. We have moved on to Gossip Girl around here people! Ooo, Blair Waldorf's would totally be linked to her headband.

Which brings me to my point. If I was a superhero, my superpowers would be linked to my sunglasses. Anyway. So seriously, I wish I could wear my sunglasses all the time. But I can't get away with it because people think it is rude. I do wear them inside whenever I can though. I have been known to wear them:

1. In bed. This generally has the most effect when done after awakening from a night of carousing.
2. In the rain. It is still daylight! Also, I hate when the water gets in my eyes.
3. At brunch. Always, because either I am hungover or everyone else is so I can get away with it.

Certain people are known for always wearing sunglasses. For example!

And of course I could never forget The Bobbed One, Ms. Anna Wintour:

She looks especially troll- like in this picture, yes? A- Dubs is one of those people that looks scarier/ worse when she smiles, kinda like Posh Spice. And Mr. Burns from the Simpsons.

Look what I found on style.com! A picture of Bono and Anna together!

Bono needs his shades to protect his eyes from Anna's dress. I wonder what they are talking about?? She is also using her bob as a stand in for the glasses. It is covering her crows feet. Goldie Hawn, is that chu? Ladies, you are not fooling anyone!

Anyway I need some cool new shades. Huge, black plastic, the darker the batter, that's what I wear and it's what I'll wear till I die. Please bury me in them. Seriously. And everyone MUST wear sunglasses at my funeral, especially while they are delivering the eulogy. I will be watching from heaven. With my glasses on.

Los Jeans de Madres

OK, so has anybody else noticed this? First we have the earth- shattering news that "high waisted" denim is back in style. Obvs, there are some extreme examples of, like, rib scraping quasi jumpsuits in the Diesel campaign and on Rianna and other young entertainers whose stylists should be fired. For example:


UGLY!! Seriously, DO NOT WANT. And I am the biggest fashion victim/ blind follower of trends ever. Even a trend whore like me knows that this is a no-go.

But. Sometimes it is nice to not have to worry about showing one's underwear whilst perched on a bar stool. So maybe this trend can be interpreted in a useful way. Here is Rachel Bilson wearing kinda sorta high waisted jeans:


Simple, nice, blah blah blah. But would anyone besides a fashion nerd like me really even notice?

So. I guess the answer is clear. No matter how much I want to follow this trend... it is stupid. Extreme high waists are noticeable and fashion-y, but HIDEOUS. Sorta high waists aren't noticeable enough- people would probs just think you were trying to hide your bulgy stomach or something. (Is "bulgy" a word?)

I wonder what the gays think...

Here are some high waisted jeans on a dude:


Hmm... not so bad. I am feeling the aloha spirit..

But! THIS guy is the fierceness, and perhaps the originator of the trend. Behold:

Extreme Glamour Backstage at Chanel

I found this picture on style.com today- it is the fierceness!! On the left we have Lady Amanda Harlech, muse of Karl Lagerfeld. And of course, Mr. Andre Leon Talley, avid cape- wearer and Anna Wintour sidekick. There is a lot of gold chain happening up in this piece. LAH's bracelet is fantastic, and is also quite complementary to ALT's jacket.

Haute couture Mr. T, is that chu?

Life is Always Better With a Few Sequins!

OK, so I'm sure that pretty much everyone who pays any attention at all to fashion has noticed that sequined mini dresses are super trendy right now. Most dresses of this ilk are verah verah short, and come usually in either a T-shirt or tank top esque permutation. They are mostly dark colored, but can also be gold or silver. Horizontal stripes are also a very common motif. Any Forever 21 kind of store has this style right now. And really, who can resist the siren song of the sequin (or gratuitous alliteration)?

I like to be ahead of the curve, so I have declared a personal moratorium on the dark and/ or metallic sequin mini dress. My own French Connection version from holiday 06 is going to have a nice long hibernation in the back of the closet. However. My heart aches for the sequin. Until! Mizz Agyyyynnnneess Deyn (love her, hate the pretentious spelling) came stomping down the Preen runway in THIS little number.
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I loooovvee the baggy fit and the color. And the back! I am a sucker for interesting back detailing. Behold:

So this Preen dress has inspired me to search for a white sparkly dress that has a more interesting silhouette than the boring T shirt dress. Here are two I found on shopbop.

This one is from Paul and Joe.

And this one is from Foley and Corinna.


The problem is they are both too expensive, and more importantly, not nearly as amazing as the dress from Preen. Sigh.

Who is Madame Queen I?

Madame Queen is a nickname given to me as a baby by my fabu grandma Ernie. The reason behind the nickname has been lost to the mists of time, but of course I like to think that my regalness was tangible even in infancy. I'm the oldest, and all following granddaughters are also known as Madame Queen, with the appropriate roman numeral. Grandma Ernie was always partial to Queen Elizabeth II. They were the same age, and Miss Lizzie was crowned Queen of England in 1952 when Grandma Ernie was 22 and a first time mamma. She got up waaay early to watch the coronation live on TV. I can just picture her with my Mom as a teeny baby watching the coronation on little 1950's black and white TV. Here's Queen Elizabeth II:

Weeerrrrk that scepter! Love the ermine cape, dahling! Doesn't that round thingie look like a bottle of Chambord? Wait, maybe the Chambord bottle is supposed to look like that thingie...

Anyway, MY personal favorite queen has always been Queen Rania of Jordan. Isn't her hair fantastic?

Here she is with my boyfriend Bono:

But! Today I have discovered a new favorite queen. Behold my namesake! Madame Queen...

the LOCOMOTIVE!!
According to my research, MQ the Locomotive is one of a kind. Also, she lives in Amarillo, which is the name of my old soccer team from, like, 3 years ago. Coincidences? I think not!

I Ain't Sayin She's a Goldigger

When I am in my twilight years, I plan to live in Palm Beach or some other equally glamorous locale. I will swan about in crystal encrusted caftans and giant sunglasses- because as we all know, one’s sunglasses should increase in size at a rate directly proportional to one’s age. For evening, I will accessorize my look with marabou and bourbon. Sadly, I have to wait 40 years for this dream to become reality. However! I recently had a revelation while browsing the Intermix site.

I am not too young for a GOLD LAME MINI CAFTAN!!

Unfortunately, this example is quite pricey, so I am attempting to find a dressmaker that can help me to achieve my vision. Obviously, I will want to wear it every day so I will need to think of some different ideas on how to style it. Here’s what I have so far:
1. Fabulous Vegas- buttons undone, black bra, big messy hair, lots of eyeliner, high black non- stiletto rounded toe pumps.
2. Night out in City- add black tights and black velvet blazer to Vegas style- perhaps button up caftan? Depends on goal of evening, silly!
3. Trendy dinner- wear over dark skinny jeans with black flats. Add gold black beaded drop earrings, hair back.

Madame Queen Says: Remember, at dinner and other sitting down events, ie barflying- no one sees your shoes. Focus your cuteness efforts and/ or bedazzlements on your top half.

4. Winter day time chic- I love a challenge! I am seeing layers of browns and creams. Under the caftan, a thin long sleeve T in cream. Over that, a brown heathered cashmere hoodie- maybe a little zipping, with the hood poking out from beneath a textured outer layer of some sort. Leather hoodies are totally hot this season! How bout a camel washed leather hoodie. Big tortoiseshell sunglasses, big brown bag that you can fit all your extra layers into in case it gets too mcsteamy. Tre fabulous.

I maybe found a place in the City that can make The Caftan of Dreams, I’m waiting to hear back. When it’s done, Ms. Granny Bee can come over in her best Chanel twinset and we can do lunchie and a photo shoot- can’t wait!