What Would Joan Do?

Aahh, Joan Holloway, she of the cutting remarks, iron clad girdle, and extra strength poise.

She has does have her faults. Bitter racism and spinsterhood aside, we could all stand to learn a few things from Joanie, sartorially speaking.



1. Prints are not sophisticated or sexy. Keep this in mind when dressing for men and when projecting an image designed to intimidate other women. Polka dots are acceptable on rare occasions.

Please note, they must be black, navy, and white only. The smaller the dot, the more elegant the dress. Large dots are vulgar on women over age 25. And never red! Speaking of red:

2. Know your color palette, and stick with it. Joan favors brights and jewel tones, as they work with her fair skin and set off her gorgeous hair. Joan is also not afraid to be the cliched red head in green. Behold:


Clearly there's a reason for the cliche, people.

3. Signature jewelry is a must to finish your look. Joan prefers a necklace, as it draws attention to both the bosom and the face. She often wears the gold pendant seen above. It works with many of her dresses, particularly the boat necks that she is so fond of.



4. Nighttime? Black satin, flawless makeup. Why did you even have to ask? God, she just makes it look so easy, even after her lover has had a heart attack.

5. FOUNDATION UNDERGARMENTS. Confidence to shimmy around the office can be yours. Just zip over to your local department store and the boys will be saluting your well- rounded yet firm derriere. And buying you lunch.

Joan hits it out of the park because she knows what works and she sticks with it. If she follows a trend, you best believe that trend is going to fit into her established color scheme and silhouette. And it better flatter the best parts of her body, her face and her curvy midsection.

This simple fashion manifesto frees her up to continue mincing and shimmying about the office, kicking ass and taking names on a daily basis. Who wouldn't want to do this with such ease?

Next time I'm at the mall, contemplating some murky colored, baggy, trendy item, I'll put it back. Joan would not approve.

Super Stunna Shades

I think it was on the second season of The O.C. that Seth created a comic book inspired by his and his friend's lives. They all had some super power or another that was linked to a certain accessory- I believe Ryan's was attached to his leather cuff bracelet? Perhaps it was to his wife beater. Marisa's (RIP) super powers were linked to her designer bag, and that's all I can remember. We have moved on to Gossip Girl around here people! Ooo, Blair Waldorf's would totally be linked to her headband.

Which brings me to my point. If I was a superhero, my superpowers would be linked to my sunglasses. Anyway. So seriously, I wish I could wear my sunglasses all the time. But I can't get away with it because people think it is rude. I do wear them inside whenever I can though. I have been known to wear them:

1. In bed. This generally has the most effect when done after awakening from a night of carousing.
2. In the rain. It is still daylight! Also, I hate when the water gets in my eyes.
3. At brunch. Always, because either I am hungover or everyone else is so I can get away with it.

Certain people are known for always wearing sunglasses. For example!

And of course I could never forget The Bobbed One, Ms. Anna Wintour:

She looks especially troll- like in this picture, yes? A- Dubs is one of those people that looks scarier/ worse when she smiles, kinda like Posh Spice. And Mr. Burns from the Simpsons.

Look what I found on style.com! A picture of Bono and Anna together!

Bono needs his shades to protect his eyes from Anna's dress. I wonder what they are talking about?? She is also using her bob as a stand in for the glasses. It is covering her crows feet. Goldie Hawn, is that chu? Ladies, you are not fooling anyone!

Anyway I need some cool new shades. Huge, black plastic, the darker the batter, that's what I wear and it's what I'll wear till I die. Please bury me in them. Seriously. And everyone MUST wear sunglasses at my funeral, especially while they are delivering the eulogy. I will be watching from heaven. With my glasses on.